Advising the Advisers

I have a friend who just recently broke up with her boyfriend. And although this is the intro of my article, this is not for those who are seeking answers why someone left someone for someone or will he/she come back. I’ll be blunt. I’m not a fan of cry-babies. Yes, you can be hurt or angry but the manifestation of which depends on your logical comprehension.

So I’m not a good advice giver. But many tell me I am and many friends became my ‘sukis’ whenever they have depressing problems. I repeat: I do not give good advices. I don’t even give advices. But many would want to talk their depression out with me.

I don’t give advices because I believe nobody knows the best next step better than the person involved. Personally, I just can’t tolerate people who nurse their emotions and let everyone know their situation. Whenever friends come crying or shouting with anger, I joke around as if I don’t care. More so when they ask me what they should do next. How in the world would I know? I can’t feel your feelings. I can’t think your thoughts. Yes, I will stay. Try to have a normal atmosphere as possible, even joke around or be pseudo-angry whenever the unfortunate incident will be brought up again. But never will you hear me say positive things like “It’s ok” and give advices. I can’t stand the fact that I have to relive the moment with you when the reason you came to me is to think logically. I’ll bitch if you’ll “overbitch” about your problem. There’s a fine line between mourning and overacting and it’s called attention seeking. Yes, I’m apathetically sympathetic.

For a more selfish reason, I don’t give advices so I won’t take blame when they go wrong. Sometimes, people love to do that. Because of human nature of fault avoidance, we hold someone liable even for our own actions. People translate it to increasing confidence. I call it cowardice. Decide on your own. Stick to it and defend. What if the advice giver is not available? Would your world stop turning? It’s also cheating, asking someone to think of your next actions. How would you learn? The optimistic point of that unfortunate incident happening is for you to learn from that mistake. How would you if you would ask for their right answer even if the question hasn't been asked?

I don’t give advices because I acknowledge the fact that I don’t know better. In the first place, maybe the friend just needed someone who will listen. That I can do. But I have an extra service.

So as an advice to advice givers: don’t give advices. What I do is listen. But, after the ample mourning or anger has passed, I will challenge his/her position. This is what I call response. Yes, it’s harsh but people love it. I love it because it is effective. But it has to be done carefully. There has to be vigilance on nonverbals and verbals and the reaction must be flexible. I haven’t noticed a particular formula for this because I believe you must know the person more than as fancy acquaintances or callers in a radio show.

As the more logical person, I view the situation unbiased and logically. The person, being in the situation, has biases and emotion upsurges that make him/her blind to some aspects of the situation. So I don’t advise. I show him/her the logical situation. I tell him/her what he/she misses because of the biases he/she has. In a way, I talk to him/her without sounding that I’m smarter or I know better. It’s more of, “Yes, that’s how you feel, but look at it this way.”

With this, his/her logic is slowly restored, making him/her fit to judge the situation and decide for the next steps him/herself. He/she got no one to blame but less are the chances that his/her decision will be wrong.

This is a very tricky business. To master it is like a small percentage of practicing psychiatry or psychology (pardon for not being able to distinguish). So don’t talk, just listen and respond. Very good. Very much appropriate to say now to my friend.