The long overdue grief for Behn Cervantes

It's been a year since the persistent shouting stopped. The voice that used to resonate the entire space of wherever the owner is, whether Bahay ng Alumni or Araneta Colisuem or even inside the church beside a convent. Back then, I wished the shouting would stop, but now that it did, I knew I would crave for that shouting once more. That shouting snaps me out of dreamland and pricks the bubble around me. That shouting made me stronger to face reality.

Here's the picture from the first time we worked together. I was a complete neophyte, yet you gave me a chance. You proved that opportunities are available to people who never gave up, so I never did. To you, money, fame, beauty don't matter. It's the willingness, the commitment, the passion. When arts is gradually plagued by the commercialization, you stood true to its form. Named artists are treated equally with the newest member of the group. An athlete can be a performer in your stage and a performer can be fired when they're late. That's one of the things I admire about you. When everyone is working their way of pleasing others to be pleased, you do the exact opposite. It's not pleasing, it's gaining respect. And that's how you earned mine.

It is an understatement to say that I learned so much from you. I'm half a century younger and I was never in one of your classes, yet I believe I have gained so much from you than any other theatre class. You instilled in me a better taste in films, deciphering clearer what is good acting or directing and what is not. Needless to say, I have dramatically changed my perspective in cinema and theatre. Yes, I am still struggling to be better but your guidance boosted me a deal advantaged head-start.

There are so many things I admire about you. You lived a simple life. You mix friends and family. You have a tough shell and a soft core. You lived with your principles and integrity. There are moments when I thought if I could live the life you led. I always have this amazing future dreamt every night and day, yet you looked like you are living yours. In the world where people in your breadth are measured in terms of productivity and commercial value, you maintained to produce less yet with quality that will outrank blockbuster hits combined. When something is wrong, you speak out loud, moving the bloodstream of the society to effect the change. 

You have rubbed so much ideas and principles in my life. Speak your mind. Write what you think. Care for the nation and the oppressed. Treat everyone equally. Instill nationalism. Theatre of the mass, as you would always put it. I've never been more aware and concerned about the nation, government, politics and current affairs than I am now. We are not just another voice shouting "Makibaka!". There's a reason behind everything we say, and we say it because it needs to be heard. You taught me that.

Photo credit: Dolfin Manila by Joseph Olfindo

Many feared you. I will not hide that most of the times, I really do. You make work very arduous sometimes. I will admit that I almost quit when you made me change my hair 4 times to make it look professional or when you shouted at me about something personal. But fear is like a rite of passage. Fear establishes belief and faith. I won't forget that time you called me to say you're sorry. It melted my heart, especially with the very determined and proud way you said it. The mix that demands respect yet elicits apology. People who were not able to know you more because of too much fear that led to avoidance missed half of their lives. In truth, you are very strict because you wanted to maintain professionalism and creativity. After work, you're like one of the gang, exchanging jokes (like "cheers and tibols" and the "We Three Kings" song), drinking and eating and singing like buddies. You like shopping in ukay-ukay with us, travelling to great sights, visiting friends and watching classic movies. You'd invite us to your house just to have dinner (partake of an authentic dish of spaghetti) and discuss future projects. If people had not feared you too much, they'd know the purpose of the fear - and they'll learn to embrace it.

Only few know about your honorable causes and your heartfelt missions. Arts, for you, has a massive positive effect on people. With singing and acting, you were able to combine compassion and arts. There was not a single project you had in mind that hasn't had nobility and dedication in it. "If you don't get excited about what you do, don't do it," as you would say. Above all, even without you knowing it, you used arts to propel the goodness of the Lord ecumenically. 

Photo credit: Dolfin Manila by Joseph Olfindo

Even with just five years of working with you, I am proud and privileged to say that I am one of the few who stayed, learned and got to know you beyond theatre. I am proud I conquered the fear and listened to the true meaning of the persistent shouting. It was a difficult experience working with you but those are rewarded with good times and valuable lessons. Just like every one who went under your tutelage, I've grown to be a better thespian and a better person.

One of the memories of you that I will always treasure: We were in Tagaytay and both of us were the first ones to wake up. You decided to jog with me across the serene subdivision overlooking pineapple farms. You opened up to me a personal issue like I was a very close friend. I treasured the trust, like you believed I am not a teenager who may have an immature point of view. Actually, you never treated me as if I'm just a young boy. Work is work and your expectations from me are way beyond my age. You've given me responsibilities beyond the capacity of my maturity. Yet, I managed through. Thank you for your persistent shouting.

As if that wasn't enough, you made possible two of the most important milestones in my life, among other things. First, you wrote a newspaper feature article about me. In your column where you write about anything - from your favorite actors and movies to everyday antics to national issues - you wrote an article about my life. You made me feel proud and grateful for myself. Those kind words are incomparable. I have a long standing problem with recognition way back primary school days. I believe I do so much but don't get recognized enough. That what made me a consistent pursuer and achiever; I always felt that what I do is not enough. That I have to break records and boundaries everyday. Your article put me in a momentous introspect. 

And for nominating me for a university alumnus award was something I would never even think of. But you made it possible. All those hardwork in the past two decades that I thought weren't enough came through with that recognition. To be on stage with the country's luminaries and leaders (and being the youngest among them) was a, however cliche, half-of-my-life experience. I wasn't able to experience college fully like a normal college student, but I gained much, much more than any person of my age. To that, I will endlessly thank you.

Photo credit: Dolfin Manila by Joseph Olfindo

This was our last project together. And aptly so because you made me do everything there is in a theatre piece: stage manager, narrator, actor, director. As exhausting as it was, all of it was very rewarding. I should have perceived that that project will be the last as for the first time in seven decades, you took a bow at curtain call. Your final bow.

I hope your system of work ethic and professionalism can be made as a teaching for performing arts, may it be on stage or on camera, or even in real life. Everyone has equal chances: whatever your face or body looks like, whatever is your performing background, however famous or wealthy or important you are. Then commitment and passion filter those who deserve. You would talk to a staff like you would talk to the chief. You would shout at the president like you would shot at the stage hand.

Had I known this would be the last project, I would've cherished every rehearsal. I would've recorded every moment of it. I would even have impersonated you in front of you during breaks. I would've tried to learn more.

Photo credit: Dolfin Manila by Joseph Olfindo

We were with you until the end that's why the news wasn't surprising for us. And as if poetry was not enough in your life, you left near the day you were born. For people who haven't seen you for a long time were crying when they saw you on wheelchair or in the hospital or even after you left. I will admit that I haven't shed a tear yet and I never attended your wake, except when they finally buried you. And even then, I did not cry. It's not out of being strong or being proud. With the little time given to get to know you, I know this is what you wanted. I know you are in peace and not suffering anymore. And I can't visit you during your last days. I want to remember you shouting at the company at the top of your voice. I want to remember you defending us when people around are taking the heat on us. I want to remember you strong enough to push the photographer half your age when he's in your way. I want to remember you laughing at our jokes and telling yours like it's a personal performance. I want to remember you singing in the middle of the road. I want to remember you alive and strong.

It must've been selfish of me but I can't deal with loss, detachment and change that easily. I wish to cope with the way I know, however long. And thus, this long overdue eulogy.

You are the true embodiment of a National Artist, one who offered most of his life and body of work to the development and showcase of Philippine arts at its highest quality. Whether or not you would be conferred or even nominated to be a National Artist, by its very definition, you are already one. You are a National Artist and the pioneer of theatre for the mass.

And on a personal note, you have a great deal of importance in my life, of who I am now. I grieved inside as a mentor left me. I'm also grieving for the nation as it lost a true gem of theatre and nationalism. Yet, I am calm knowing that you will be forever immortalized by your mentees and their respective mentees. I will miss you. I will miss the persistent shouting. It wouldn't be long till we will do our next project.